Team Pictures

Here are a selection of pictures that ended up on my camera during the season (mostly in the last two games). Anyone else have photographic evidence to share?

The Slow, Wobbly, Mostly Continuous Descent of the OW Empire

Turn on your ceiling fan, cue the Doors, and strip down to your skivvies in a hotel in Saigon...this is the end. Despite our best efforts, the Oscar Wildes lost to the Gates Foundation Holy Cow team on Monday, and thusly ended our inaugural season. But we didn't go down without a fight.

In fact, we were winning the fight for most of the bout. Zach started off most innings with a strike, our bats were swinging and making contact, our baserunning was smart but not without risk...we were up 5-0 for a while there! Against the best team in the league, too, and without such key luminaries such as Bill, Jesse, Danny, Scott, Keith, and Kevin, who had, among other commitments, previously scheduled dates with the seductive Red Sox and rugged Idaho wilderness. Though not at the same time, as sexy as that might sound.

We spent a lot of time in the dirt in this one, I'm proud to say, and mostly it did us good. Jared, Crystal, and Coach all threw themselves down for the cause, and Mike impressed everyone with a sternum-first dive into third (which, even though he made it, sadly turned out to be a part of the larger death-rattle that was the 7th inning). Knees were skinned, good-natured insults were thrown out, and the word "hustle" was tossed around even more than usual--minus the beers, it was the spittin' image of my days in Little League (right down to losing in the playoffs).

Post-loss, we had a nice pow-wow at Targy's followed by some pool and jukebox action. Apparently, the Universe didn't think that we had lost quite enough yet, though, and my pool team suffered four losses in a row (though if Oscar Wildes lose to other Oscar Wildes, does that count?). Weirdly, I was the only constant in that equation, as I recruited a new partner each time...but that can't possibly have anything to do with it. Cecilia did pocket an amazing corner shot with the eight ball when we had just come from behind, and we thought we had triumphed--only to watch in horror as the cue ball decided to scratch and ruin everything. It just wasn't our night.

Our knight, of course, would be this guy, to whom many Oscar Wildes paid their respects at the midnight showing last Thursday night (yes, after that horrendous loss) at the Cinerama:


Despite our only "W" being a forfeit and the closest thing to an earned victory being a tie, it's been a really great season. 826 volunteers have gotten to know one another better, we've spread the 826 gospel all over Queen Anne in a thick, creamy layer, and best of all, we got to get outside, get dirty, drink some beer and play some ball in the Seattle sunshine (and that one thunderstorm). Thanks to all you Oscar Wildes for your excellent, greensleeved antics...I'll see you in the weight room. Or, barring that kind of off-season dedication, in Greenwood.

The Fake Playoffs: A Recap

The Oscar Wildes meant business last night; the drink cooler was spiked with Powerade. And business it was for the first six innings. Danny started us off with a home run*. We had back-to-back 1-2-3 innings. We let them load the bases but escaped without giving up a run. Zach made a spectacular catch with a jump reminiscent of the second most famous person in the world with the initials MJ. Heading into the final inning we were actually up by a run. Strictly business. And then the top of the seventh came and it was Casual Friday. Casual Friday on the day before a holiday when everyone is out of the office by noon.

It was the most heartbreaking non-win of the season. But like our olde friende Oscar Wilde says, "The heart was made to be broken." Or was it the arm? Jen gets the MVQ award for the game (Most Valuable Quoter, if you were wondering, which you might have been). Selecting appropriate witticisms out of a sizeable volume of gems spoken by our favorite 19th century Irish writer to coincide with plays made in a rec league softball game is not as easy as it sounds. To quote our quoter sometime around the bottom of the 4th, "What is this? Oh, it's from The Importance of Being Earnest."

No worries, however. We haven't been eliminated as apparently the playoffs have yet to begin. And, despite the recent loss, the Oscar Wildes still retain their title of Best Team Named After a 19th Century Irish Writer while adding a new one --Worst Team in the Queen Anne League! Now it’s official.

And speaking of officials, what was with that strike zone? And now that we're going off on a tangent . . . Note to self/others: Appropriate places to commiserate after a tough loss on the field-- pub, dive bar, pizza joint. Appropriate places to hold your bachelorette party if you plan on wearing a veil and satin sash with "Sexy Bride" embroidered in baby blue-- fake Mexican restaurant, male "dance" club, piano bar.

You don't need a Venn diagram to figure out that there's no overlap and that's the way it should stay. While a co-ed softball team and a group of co-eds sound similar, in reality they are as distinct as dusty baseball t-shirts and spaghetti strap dresses and drinking venues should be chosen accordingly. Crystal said that the pianoing would not start until 9pm. This was not true. Shortly after 8pm the pianists began taking requests.

Fortunately, though, the OWs took advantage of the situation, each in their own way. Vanessa found potential tutors from the slim pickings of the early evening Chopstix crowd. Whether it's chatting up batters from behind the plate or consoling middle-aged women inappropriately groped by their daughter-in-law's gay best friend, she is always able to steer the conversation towards volunteering for 826.

And, be that as it may, in conclusion, as it were, to sum it up--just as someone who wasn't Oscar Wilde said, "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings." Or until the skinny man calls you up to the piano to sing you a birthday song (to the tune of John Lennon's "Imagine") about you and your girlfriends surrounding him in a hot tub. Then it's all over. But the OWs have one more shot at glory, one more chance to snag that elusive W, one more game to keep the dream alive.

------------------
*Unfortunately, I am again unable to describe in detail his amazing hit. While I was actually at the field this time, I was scrambling to tie my cleats since I was on deck less than a minute after arriving. The whole thing sounded quite impressive, though.

A Dramatic Night for the O. Wildes

We start off with a no-hitter first inning, followed by scoring MULTIPLE runs (!). In inning number two, we (roughly) replicate the first inning. We feel pretty good. Then, some errors are made, but still, we feel good. The sun is out, we're playing ball, kids are horsing around on the bleachers...it doesn't get better than this right?

Right. Indeed, it gets worse.

In what might have been (in another, more benignly smiling universe) a stunning triple play, pitcher Zach saved his face from being bashed in by a line drive, which he then chucked to Bill at first base just in time to pick off the surprised baserunner who hadn't tagged up. Bill, in his infinite optimism, tried to turn a triple by gunning it to Jen at home, just as the other team's pitcher came barreling at her full thrust from third.

This, friends, is where the biscuit began to unroll, if I may adapt one of Jesse's terms.

"Gunned," indeed. Jen could have benefitted from kevlar jersey sleeves today. With a bad, bad stroke of luck, Bill's magnificent fastball came to a rest only after ricocheting off Jen's left forearm...BREAKING A BONE.

Yes. A bone. Broken. We would have carried her off the field directly into an ambulance, had there been one waiting. But what did Jen do? She played the rest of the inning in right field (as well as in agony) and only left for the hospital after we finally retired the side. I challenge you to present me with a major league catcher who has done the same. Three cheers for Jen, the bravest Wilde of them all!

Needless to say, this shook us up. Jen's injury, the fact that we then only had enough girls to play two outfielders, and the weird feel of the foreign Woodland Park field--with its bat humidor and roofed dugout and well-groomed infield--all added up for a stinging 7-6 defeat. Or, it might have been a stinging 6-5 defeat, no one is sure.

Other ups, downs, and notables from tonight:

• The Blue Star's spinach artichoke dip was sadly wanting.
• Going by Google hits alone, we settled an argument: more of the world knows about Michael Jackson (44 million) than Michael Jordan (10.7 million).
  
• Matt thought he didn't get a tomato on his Gardenburger, but then it turned out he did (whew).
• Teri pulled up in her Miada for a liquor store run, but after idling her engine in the road to chat with us, left--sans alcohol. Surely she isn't ashamed to buy booze in front of 826 volunteers, many of whom she witnessed saving leftover beer from a keg in empty Talking Rain bottles at last year's Mustache-a-Thon wrap party?*
  
• Danny's salted caramel ice cream at Molly Moon's was more like caramelized salt ice cream, and it is possible we will lose him to a sodium-induced heart condition tonight.
• We found out Zach was a substitute teacher at my high school...when I went there. Everyone then felt either sadly old or abashedly young.
  
• Bill and I have the same birthday, which we share with Bill (f**king) Clinton.
• Bill feels really bad about Jen's arm and won't sleep well tonight. Our Bill, I mean. I'm pretty sure Bill (f**king) Clinton sleeps okay regardless of how many arms he breaks in a day.

And that brings us to the end of regular-season play. See you in the post-season!**


*Speaking of Mustache-a-Thon...I hope you're readying your upper lip for September.
**Next Thursday, that is.

Post-non-loss-game Team Photo

Our First Non-Loss!: A Recap

Last night the Oscar Wildes did what no other team in the Queen Anne softball league named after a 19th century Irish writer has ever done before. They scored one for the T column. Not quite a W, but definitely not an L.

This was a well-fought tie. Unable to believe that we were actually not losing to them (perhaps our reputation preceded us), our opponents officially challenged our score sometime around the 5th inning. Clearly they did not have the wisdom to heed the advice of the ever-apte Oscar Wilde, who reminds us, "Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing." Case in point: the umpire was convinced that as a team we were capable of counting all the way up to five. Considering that our bench coach possesses all kinds of mathematical skills (including the ability to quickly calculate the percentage of pregnant teens in different high schools), it's somewhat insulting that they even asked. But it was a refreshing change; usually when the other team approaches the umpire it's to question my gender.

As they say, there is no "me" in Oscar Wilde, and each and every team member played a huge role in this almost-victory. For example, Danny got an amazing triple in the first inning. I didn't witness this as I enjoy being fashionably late to the 6:15 games, but I assume he hit the ball somewhere where the other team was not easily able to get it and then ran fast. And then there was that time when that girl hit it out to deep centerfield but was thrown out with a spot-on throw to third by an intrepid Wilde. And I remember Jared ending one defensive inning with two key outs in a row. And who could forget Matt's diving catch and double play! In addition, Doug led off one inning with a solid hit and scored that historic tying run. And Zach gets the credit for being the OWs first non-losing pitcher. (He also gets extra points for bringing a minivan of minifans to the game.)

But really the MVP of the game was, once again, #826. You just have this way of always being in the right spot to make those key plays. Dang. It's amazing.

It's clear that the Oscar Wildes are just hitting their collective stride as the season draws to a close. With only two games left in the regular season, the OWs plan on snagging that elusive actual-win next week as they ramp up for the playoffs. One could even see the team as that dark horse (not to be confused with the Dark Knight--Get your tickets now!)--you know, coming out of the shadows (i.e. last place) and winning (or at least continuing to not lose). Stay tuned. It's going to be a wilde rid.

We'll Get 'Em Next Time, Part III: A Recap

In their third game of the season, the Oscar Wildes battled an intimidating opposing pitcher, unrelenting cowbell from the adjacent field, and nearly-sidelining injury. While a lesser team would have buckled under the pressure, the Wildes poured another Curveball into their stealthy blue plastic cups and gracefully accepted the loss.

Yet there was much to celebrate in this third non-shutout.

For the first time ever, the Oscar Wildes scored first and led until the bottom of the first when the other team got up to bat and Eileen hit a two-run homer. (Incidentally, “Come On, Eileen” is a much more annoying song to have stuck in your head than Simon & Garfunkel’s “Cecilia.”)

In what may have been the most exciting base running situation so far this season, Kevin spent some quality time debating between second and third base, and ultimately decided on second.

And one of their players really wanted to be an 826 tutor. Unfortunately it wasn’t Eileen.

After the game, the team descended upon Targy’s for a few post-game pitchers. Apparently this bar is the preferred choice of softball teams with awesome names as Holy Cow was there, too. Only it wasn’t the team we had already played. There are two Holy Cow teams and this one looked like the A squad. These players had uniforms, with names on the back even (names like "Happy Meal" and "Mr. Roboto"), unlike the scrappy ununiformed JV team that kicked our ass in the first game.

In his post-game comments to the press, Coach Toffer “Coach” Lehnherr reflected on the challenges of coaching. While receiving unsolicited advice from unqualified spectators was not an issue he discussed, I’ve found that it’s something that every coach loves. So I thought I’d share a few of my strategies for finally pulling off that elusive W.

1. Challenge our opponents to a game of “Who Was the Most Famous Person That Went to Your School?” instead. We’ve got a ringer--Zach attended Thomas Jefferson’s alma mater. (Which is cool and all, but did TJ ever have a recurring role on a short-lived television drama set in post-apocalyptic Kansas like Manchester Junior-Senior High graduate Sprague Grayden?)
2. Find a better batting order. Besides Kevin batting after Devyn (or was it the other way around?), our lineup tonight was completely unpoetic. I suggest that for future games we arrange our roster using a rhyme scheme of ABBACCDEEDFF. This will require some creativity and/or changing of names. Someone’s going to have to take one for the team and agree to be nicknamed “The Professa” as apparently that’s the only thing that rhymes with Vanessa.
3. Get more hits.

Even though the season has yet to yield a victory, the Oscar Wildes remain the number one team in the Queen Anne softball league named after a 19th century Irish writer. As the ever-insightfule Oscar Wilde reminds us, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Come support the team this Thursday at 6:15 pm as they look onward and upward.

Catch!

I wonder if this ball girl has been bitten by a radioactive spider.

Another Not-Shutout!: A Recap

The Oscar Wildes got off to a promising start last night in their second game of the regular season, stepping up their offense under the direction of Asst. (careful how you abbreviate that) Coach Doug Woodbury, filling in for an absent Coach Toffer “Coach” Lehnherr. While this promise ultimately went unfulfilled, there were undoubtedly moments of brilliance. There were also some moments of not. But as good olde Oscar Wilde reminds us, “Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” And we are nothing if not imaginative.

For example, as Doug pointed out, this game was a vast improvement over the last if you look at the final score as a ratio. When you get outscored by 15 runs, it’s a good thing to have mathematicians on your team to figure out the best numerical perspective on losing. And to add the English major’s take on this, I’d just like to note that if you multiply both team’s scores by -1, we actually won the game.

I would also like to note that we were playing a team of eye surgeons. (Is it weird for them to hear people cheering "good eye, good eye" at softball games?) But as most of them appeared to be nineteen, none of them looked like eye surgeons to me, except for that one guy who made it to first at the end of the 7th inning (although let's be honest, who wasn't on base in the 7th inning?). So perhaps our opponents were just people in some way associated with the practice of eye surgery. In the case of the girl in the light blue fleece who couldn't find the bases, she might have been recruited from the pool of eye surgery candidates along with the umpire.

The Oscar Wildes take the field again next Monday, and as they say, third time’s the charm (or is it three times a bridesmaid, never a bride?). Stay tuned. Despite the less-than-favorable outcome of their second contest, the Oscar Wildes are still very much in the running for best softball team in the Queen Anne League named after a 19th century Irish writer. We’ll keep you posted.

Resizing Your Softball Shirt; or, How to Make the Oscar Wildes' Blog Slightly Less Manly

To replicate this experiment, you should use a sewing machine from the mid-1980s that snags on t-shirt fabric and has held the same spool of light blue thread for two years. You also need some scissors, a pencil that will mark fabric (or equivalent tool), straight pins, a shirt or two that fit you well, and a unit of measurement.

First, iron your inside-out jersey and cut along the sides. There's no turning back now. Don't be afraid.

Normally we would cut the sleeves off and reshape the whole thing, but the baseball shirt just needs a little trim. Grab a shirt that fits and use it as a pattern. Make lines uniformly distant from the pattern around the body on both sides (about a cm or two for the seam). Fold to make sure all the sides match in an awkward and complicated manner. And cut. Sewing doesn't really involve a lot of actual sewing.

Pin the shirt together, front to back, and check that it's an appropriate size. You can turn it inside out and put it on if you enjoy feeling sharp pinpricks all over... or you can just examine it well.

Preparing the sleeves is analogous: compare to sleeves that you like, mark, cut, and pin. Match them up in intricate combinations to convince yourself that they are the same.

Set your machine to a zigzag pattern of some sort and stitch around the new edge, pulling out the pins as you go. Think to yourself, "I really need a hobby" several times. When both sides are done, try it on. Mine was really long, so I hemmed it about 10 cm from the bottom.

It's important that we appear presentable on the field-- our namesake would have wanted it. I offer the following as proof:

"It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances." The Picture of Dorian Gray

The OW's First Game: A Recap

The Oscar Wildes were well prepared for their first game last night. Unfortunately, however, neither the opposing team nor the umpire got the memo that the contest would be determined by fashion points, and so despite looking fabulous in their new white and green jerseys, the Oscar Wildes suffered their first defeat of the season at the hands of an entirely un-uniformed team named Holy Cow who just happened to score more runs.

Although the game as a whole went into the L column, there were many smaller victories to celebrate.

First, we managed to successfully maintain the requisite minimum number of girls at all times. Although apparently that fourth girl wasn’t doing a very good job, judging by the fact that ump stopped the game after my first at-bat to make sure our batting order was alternating male/female (I’d like to think it was because he was so impressed by my hit (which barely cleared the infield) and not the fact that I look like a guy. Yeah.)

Victory number two: It wasn’t a shutout. Danny scored a run.

And, most important: I feel as though Oscar (“Work is the curse of the drinking classes”) Wilde would be happy with our performance. Thanks to Scott for the cooler of Curveball. Perhaps some Pete’s Wicked Rally Cap Ale for our next game? Not like we’ll need it because I’m sure we’ll be leading the entire game next time.

All in all, in conclusion, to sum it all up, at the end of the day, the Oscar Wildes showed that they are a force to be reckoned with. Holy Cow reckoned with us and won, but next time it will be different.

MVP of the game? I’m not very good with names, but it was definitely the player wearing #826.

The next game is next Monday--same time, same place, different opponent. Be sure to stay tuned. The Oscar Wildes are poised to become the best softball team in the Queen Anne League named after a 19th century Irish writer.

Don't try this at home.

Sweep!

After the Oscar Wildes' season got off to a sloppy start, I went home and watched some TV. But I wasn't channel surfing. Oh, no.

The Women's Softball College World Series was on. Yeah, it was. Arizona State took it to Texas A&M to sweep the best of three series. It is Arizona State's first national championship in softball.

Honestly, I had the other state school from Arizona going all the way (c'mon, I wanted to see a three-peat!), but they lost twice early on and were quite justly eliminated.

Arizona State, however, kept their bats handy the whole tournament, scoring eleven runs in the final game alone. Congrats, you Sun Devils!

The Jose Vidro Challenge

The Oscar Wildes seem to be the hot topic du jour at 826, from the kids we tutor who are (understandably) amused at the thought of us performing any sort of feat that requires coordination to those of us on the team. The consensus seems to be that our performance will be adequate: not so bad as to embarrass ourselves, but not necessarily good enough to win any games.

In this regard, we are better than the local nine.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention to our better-compensated counterparts on the Mariners, the team has been the most shameful thing to come out of Seattle since that Angelina Jolie movie; the squad that was picked by some (apparently uninformed) experts to win the AL West just two months ago is instead in contention for the worst record in baseball. It's not just that this team is bad, it's that they're setting new standards for ineptitude.

The worst of this the Mariners' DH, Jose Vidro. Calling Mr. Vidro (a.k.a. "Turbo") the Mariners' designated hitter is true only in the technical sense. Yes, he was designated (sadly, not for assignment as of yet), but the hitting thing just isn't happening. As someone whose sole purpose on the team is to provide offense, his OPS+, a measure of offensive prowess, displayed as a percentage relative to the league average, is at 78. His raw OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging) is at .634, baseball's average as I write this is exactly 100 points higher.

And, as I rage against this embarrassment of a baseball player, I can't help but think we can do better.

As such, I present to you, my fellow Oscar Wildes and our myriad fans, the Jose Vidro Challenge: Any Oscar Wilde who, at the end of our season, has a higher OPS than Jose Vidro will receive a complimentary pint of a cold beverage, on me.

This is not without caveats. First, to weed out any small sample size flukes, you must have at least five at-bats with the team. Second, in the unlikely event that the Mariners' front office produces a stunning display of aptitude and releases Turbo before the Oscar Wildes' season ends, then Turbo's final OPS with the team will be counted. And third, I think you know what I mean by a pint of a cold beverage; don't go expecting me to buy you a pint of Peruvian emu milk.

So, my fellow Oscar Wildes, I hope you take this as additional motivation. Forget personal pride, forget proudly representing 826. Now, you all have the chance to humiliate Jose Vidro, even if he'll never know it.

You gotta lay out for it.

Call it!

But even when you call it . . .

If You Do It Wrong!

Toffer was kind enough to post an instructional video on throwing for anyone who needs help.

Well, I can't offer that. But, if you need encouragement, I can offer you this: At least you're not Mariah Carey.*



*Really, you should find this thought encouraging in any situation, unless you're trying to sing with a five-octave vocal range.

What did you say?

For Rebecca

Is there crying in softball, though?

If You Do It Right!

Batting Practice!

We are getting together this Sunday, June 1st from 3pm until we leave at Funtasia Fun Park in Edmonds for batting practice.

Not that we need it. We're fine. We're cool. Got some bats on the team. No worries. You know, we just want to get a little more time in the cages before the season starts.

The Schedule

Tuesday, June 3rd, 9:30PM @ QA1

Wednesday, June 11th, 9:15PM @ QA1

Monday, June 16th, 9:15PM @ QA1

Monday, June 23rd, 7:45PM @ QA2

Thursday, June 26th, 6:15PM @QA2

Wednesday, July 2nd, 6:15PM @QA2

Monday, July 7th, 6:15PM @ IB2

QA1: Queen Anne Playfield, 1st W & W Howe
QA2: same place, different field
IB2: Interbay, 17th W & W Dravus

Seriousness is the last refuge of the shallow.

In the spring of 2008, 826 Seattle formed a team in the Queen Anne co-ed slow pitch softball league run by Citywide Athletics. This blog will take you behind the scenes (for witty banter!), into the locker room (OK, so we don't have a locker room), and onto the field (for more witty banter!).

A little bit about us: We practice. We scrimmage (kinda; the other team brought their beer cans on the field with them).

Over the next two months, we play games against equal adversaries, like Holy Cow, Holy Cow II, NW Eye Ballers, Slackers, Head Hunters, The Groupies and WCC Crew.

We are the Oscar Wildes. All of us can write. Supposedly, one of us played college baseball.